then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
