Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
