I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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