i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
