I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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