I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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