Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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