Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
