Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
