My first STD was from a foam party
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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