Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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