you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
