Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
