I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
cat food counts as protein by the way
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
