im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
