I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
