Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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