then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
