I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
