My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
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I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
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Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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