So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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