Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
