She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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