So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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