Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
