this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
