Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
