saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
