got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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