Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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