You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
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He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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