i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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