last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
