Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
