Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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