community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
