You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
