I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
