I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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