the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
