Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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