Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
