textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
