He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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