I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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