Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
