you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
