There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
