I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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