I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
