Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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