Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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