the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
