Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
