She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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