hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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