Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
